The Light
by Squirrel-ducky
Summary: AU of Season 4, Ep 18 'The Light'. Instead of Daniel going to P4X-347 with SG5, Major Carter goes; when Jack finds her about to jump at her apartment, it prompts a conversation he wasn't quite prepared for.


"Where's Major Carter?" Hammond demanded, rounding on Jack.

"I'm not sure, sir."

"She's not usually late."

"No, she's normally irritatingly early… I gave her a call, the phone was answered, but then there was just a dialling tone. Should I go and give her a wakeup call?"

"I think that would be a good idea, don't you, Colonel?"

"Yessir."

* * *

It was a 30-minute drive to Carter's apartment building; Jack was there in 20. The elevator was out-of-order; he took the stairs two at a time and arrived, breathless, on the fifth floor. Cautiously, he approached her door. It stood ajar.

"Carter?" he called, slowly pushing it open. The phone lay off the hook in the kitchen. "Carter?" Moving through the apartment, he saw that the sliding door out to the balcony stood open. "Oh my god…" he murmured, quickening his pace. Carter stood on the other side of the balcony railing, leaning forward, barely grasping the rail behind her. "Carter?" he said quietly. "What're you doing out here?"

She didn't turn her head, but he could hear the tears, the pain in her voice as she responded. "None of it means anything."

"Um. Carter, why don't you come inside?"

"I tried," she began, not hearing him, her voice starting to crack. "It just… goes away."

"Okay," Jack said more assertively, brow furrowing, trying to take control. "Well we'll uh… we'll get it back."

"You can't get it back," Carter scoffed.

"Well whatever's wrong, we'll fix it. Together. You and me, Carter, we're a team." She shook her head and laughed, but there was no joy in it.

"You don't even know what I'm talking about." Jack hung his head.

"No. No I don't." He took a deep breath. "But you can tell me." He stepped closer.

"Don't!" she sobbed. His outstretched hand froze in mid-air. "Don't touch me. I don't want your pity."

"Sam, please." She started at the use of her Christian name. Jack forced himself to go on; it was against his every instinct to say what he knew he must. "It's not pity, you know that. You know how much I care about you."

"Then why don't you show it?"

"We can't. Regulations—"

" _Screw_ _regulations!_ If you wanted to, then you would. I knew you didn't really love me."

Jack took a step back, shocked at her accusation. It was only then that he realised how seriously something was wrong with her; she would never, _ever_ say something like that in her right mind – even if she did believe it. There was a moment of tense silence before he could remember how to speak, or work out what to say.

"Sam, that's not true. I…" He faltered. "Look, just come inside. Please don't do this, I can't bear to see you like this. It's breaking my heart." She finally looked around at him, her red eyes and tear-stained face causing a sharp pain to shoot through him. Then something in her eyes changed and it was as though she came back to herself.

"Jack..?"

He rushed to her, putting one arm firmly around her, the other gesturing to help her down.

"It's me, Sam, I'm here, I'm here."

"What have I done…" She looked distraught and confused; the panic in her eyes confirmed his belief that she hadn't been in control. Shakily, she climbed back over the railing. He kept an arm tightly around her shoulders as he led her back inside to the sofa, terrified that she might run off again. "I'm sorry, sir, I don't know what happened." She was tearing up again so Jack pulled her into a hug and let her sob into his shoulder. He, too, was incredibly shaken by the experience and it comforted him to be able to hold her and know that she was safe. Carter was always so strong, almost stoic; he had never seen her like this and it rattled him to the core.

"I'm just glad you're alive," he murmured into her hair, secretly relishing this new closeness. "What happened?"

"I… I don't know. I just suddenly felt… small. Futile. Worthless. Like death was the only option." She was still shaking.

"Carter, look at me." She lifted her head to meet his eyes. He grasped her shoulders for emphasis. "Death is _never_ an option. Do you understand me? Never."

"I know, sir. I don't know what came over me."

"Yeah, I gathered. You said some… stuff back there." Carter looked away now, unable to meet his gaze. "Do you remember?" Jack's voice had lost its hard edge. She nodded mutely. Desperately trying to keep a hold on her emotions, she didn't think she could speak. Her brain and body were both so incredibly confused, racked with a million conflicting feelings. Jack cleared his throat, and continued against his better judgement. "I know that that wasn't… entirely you, but… Do you really believe that? That I don't care about you?" He knew that this almost certainly wasn't the right time to have this conversation, but hell, would they ever get another chance?

"I'm sorry, sir, I was out of line…"

"No, you were right." She looked puzzled.

"I was?"

"Screw regulations." Carter looked up, and saw Jack's uncertain but determined face. "I'm not so good at this honesty stuff… But that's why this has taken so long." He took a deep breath and looked away. "Carter, you are the most important thing in my life. It kills me to see the danger you're put in every time we step through that damn gate, but that is the emonly/em reason that I haven't resigned, so that I can be there with you and make sure you don't get your ass killed."

"I'm not your responsibility, sir—"

"But you _are_ , Carter. I literally could not live with myself if anything happened to you." He was looking at her again, the way he'd looked at her on the Goa'uld ship when they'd been superheroes. He didn't feel like a superhero now; he felt vulnerable. "But I can't bear the thought anymore of something happening to either of us before we even had a chance." Carter shook her head, reading his mind.

"We'd have to formally report it, and even if Hammond did okay it the Air Force would never—"

"Eh, screw the Air Force. They've been in control of my life for nearly thirty years, it's time for me to get it back. Besides, what I do on my day off is my own damn business." She smiled, but hesitated.

"Are we really doing this, sir?"

"Yeah sure, why not." She laughed. "But only if you stop calling me 'sir', that's gonna get weird." She grinned.

"Right… Jack." It felt strange, using his given name. She savoured it.

"Look, for what it's worth, I'm sorry you doubted me. I've always cared about you and I hope you know that. I'm sorry it took this long… and I'm sorry it had to happen, well, like this."

"Well, better late than never, right? Look, let's just… forget about everything, before."

"That sounds good to me." He paused, and a thought appeared to strike him. There was a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "Say, after this mission do you wanna come fishing?"

"I'd like that very much," she replied, suppressing a laugh. He stood up, offering her his hand.

"Come on, we'd better get back, Hammond's worried."

"Yessir," she agreed, taking his hand and heading towards the door, but he pulled her back, close to him.

"Sam," he murmured, brushing a strand of hair off her face. She smiled, letting her eyes close as he leaned in to kiss her, once, softly. It was several moments after they broke away before either could move. The comfort and safety within their little cocoon was hard for either of them to give up. This was strange, surreal, couldn't possibly be anything but a dream. As long as neither of them ever woke up, Carter was happy to keep dreaming. She hugged him tightly, and he grinned, more in love than ever. They left holding hands, but dropped them when they reached the Cheyenne Mountain Complex.

There was no point in giving it away now and ruining all the fun.


End file.
